"You Know Your Goth...From Brian.

Funny and Darkly, so true....
________

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit.
You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night.
You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer.
You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose.
Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years.
The shade of powder you wear is called 'Sheet Of Paper.'
You use black cotton balls.
You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years.
You paint your fingernails black.
You don't paint my nails black... you bash them with a hammer.
Your purse is large, square and metal.
The purse has scratches from being used in a fight.
It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor.
This is the reason it was scratched in a fight.
You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store.
You could spend all $500 on just make up.
You avoid fights because it might smudge your make up.
The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called 'The Vampire's Kiss.'
You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on our face.
You go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, 'These are my people.'
People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing.
You can't even tell whether you're looking for a missing contact or dancing.
The only day you feel normal is Halloween.
Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day.
You don't know whether the person you're sleeping with is male or female until you're actually in bed with them.
You don't care.
You were rooting for the vampires in From Dusk Til Dawn, Lost Boys, etc.
In preschool, the only crayon you used was black.
The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child.
You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count.
You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier.
You decide Wednesday blows them both away.
You think bats are "cute."
You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones.
You think anything dead is pretty.
You think blood is pretty.
You refer to your age in mortal years.
You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady.
You know what a Malkavian is.
You know what a Malkavian is because you've been there, done that.
You have the T-shirt.
You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year.
You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years.
You would willingly undergo cosmetic dental surgery.
You were disappointed to find out that American Gothic is a portrait of two farmers.
You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours.
You own a hearse.
You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor.
You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration."
You keep a coffin in the back as a bed.
You think of the hearse as the "family car."
You think heresy is a religion.
You claim heresy as your religion.
You own a rosary that you wear.
You own many rosaries that you wear.
You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your car.
Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently.
Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently.
You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street.
Satanists just look at you and smile.
You laugh hysterically during those Church Of Latter-Day Saints commercials.
You call for the free Bible anyway.
You take great pleasure in vandalizing said Bible after waiting impatiently by your mailbox for 4-6 weeks.
You stop vandalizing the Bible momentarily to look up Psalm 69.
In your honest opinion, the image of Jesus ruins the beauty and natural fluidity of the cross.
Whenever you knock on somebody's door they give you candy.
You wish to name your first born Lestat.
You plan to name your first born after any Anne Rice character.
You didn't know they were characters.
You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires.
You can debate both sides of that argument.
You've participated in one of those "Do you think Tom Cruise was good as Lestat?" conversations.
You've started one of those conversations.
You saw Valor on the street, you would throw your large, metal purse at him.
You and your friends enjoy congregating in a local graveyard.
No one you know is buried there.
You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards.
You take pictures of the gravestones while reciting Oscar Wylde or singing "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths.
You know the words to "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths.
You know who The Smiths are.
You can reminisce through all 4 locations of The Kitchen Club and 2 of The Church.
You put on The Wake and practice dancing in front of the mirror.
You practice with your own personal strobe and blacklight.
You are too poor to afford either and stole the lights off the Christmas tree.
You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band.
When someone else "discovers" you're favorite band, you find another favorite band.
You own 16 or more Cleopatra CD's.
You own even 1 Projekt CD.
Your favorite poem is "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe.
Your favorite poem is "Metamorphosis of a Vampire" by Charles Baudelaire.
You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre.
You refer to others as "The Normals".
You refer to your leather-clad brethren as "Those Industrialites" or "Rivet-heads."
You go to South Beach, but have never seen the ocean.
Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to.
Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does.
You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up.
You and your boyfriend fight over make up.
You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up.
You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith.
You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them.
You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition.
The people in the grocery store have refused to sell you any cereal other than Count Chocula.
People ask you to autograph boxes of Count Chocula.
You know what Renfield's Disease is.
You have Renfield's Disease.
Throw a Black Valentine Day party.
You decorate your Christmas Tree with crows and black ribbon.
You wear a mourning veil to your best friends wedding.
All her bride maids wear black.
All your living friends take anti-depressants or at least pretend too.
You have taken anything on this list personally.
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Problems only Goths Have
Trying to get blacks that match after they fade in the wash
Trying to convince the drunk frat boy who is hitting on you that really are a guy.
Big hair, small cars
Airport metal detectors
Having your little sister play with your make-up
Nicknames such as "that gay devil worshipping freak that dyed his hair purple"
Getting your jewelry tangled in your clothes/hair
When your pointy toe shoes/boots get caught in the holes in the hem of your skirt.
Wearing a black turtleneck when it's 90 degrees outside
Accidentally removing someone's nose ring with your spiked bracelet while dancing
Getting people to look you in the eyes when you talk to them.
Getting your slave bracelet caught in your fishnets
People declaring that your eyes are yellow, when, in fact, they are green
Having to reach for the salt with one hand while holding back your sleeve with the other so it doesn't drag in the gravy
Trying to find your possessions in an all black room
Trying to get the hair-dye stains out of your towels, sink, floors, doors, ceilings, carpets, pets, furniture.
Being asked to defend your entire existence in 30 seconds or less.
Finding a detergent to get those blacks blacker
Having little kids tug on their parent's arm and say, "Look, Mommy, isn't she pretty? I want to look like her!" while the parents grab the child and run for it.
Trying to wash dishes with those flowing sleeves.
Having someone try to pick you up, just so they can tell their friends they've had sex with you
Going out in the winter and having all the metal stuff you are wearing freeze against your exposed skin.
Getting your skirt caught on: anything and everything
Lending your eyeliner to a friend and finding out later that he's returned it without mentioning that he completely emptied the entire brand new tube.
Trying to buy mundane clothes to go job hunting in and not being able to bring yourself to buy anything with enough color.
The salt stains on the hems of skirts in winter.
Not being able to climb really small stairs because the pointy toes on your pixie boots stick out past your toes enough that you can't get your actual toes on the steps.
Trying to stand up, and getting the hooks on your left boot caught in the fishnets on your right leg. And managing to look graceful while extricating yourself.
Dancing in a corset.
Attempting to explain Goth to anyone
Driving in a rather large cloak.
Having to wash black lipstick off of your neck.
Wearing 24 rings and getting them all stuck in various bits of lace and fishnet (not all of it yours).
Having to rush out of bed the moment you wake up just so you can get to the bank before it closes.
Convincing someone that you are straight even though you are wearing a skirt and makeup.
Convincing your sister to let you use her makeup because you are too broke to buy your own.
Trying to find women's clothes that fit you without it looking too obvious that that is what you are trying to do
Wearing that HUGE cross you just bought to the club spinning around and knocking yourself out
Finding that your freshly washed black t-shirt is covered in bits of lint, which while undetectable by the naked eye, show up very well under UV, thereby making you appear to have terminal dandruff.
Waking up at with the most painful hangover ever. Walking to the little store to get aspirin, thinking "Damn even my feet hurt like hell". Then realizing that your wearing someone else's boot's.
Trying to find food you can eat without messing up your lipstick
Trying to get seated so that the eye that you did just right will be the one facing outward.
Wanting to go and play out in the rain but fearing it'll ruin your hair.
Being unable to decide which rings look best over the black lace gloves
Fearing your sharply filed nails will ruin your mesh shirt!
Finding that your cape gets in the way of your cleaning tools when going to work at the graveyard
Getting a sunburn right through your t-shirt
Trying to ride a bicycle with a long black skirt
Trying to ride a bicycle without reminding the people you pass of Miss Elmira Gulch, forcing them to hum the wicked witch theme from The Wizard of Oz
Trying to type with your lace gloves on
Religion: while everybody still thinks you are a Devil-worshipper despite all your explanations.. especially if you tell them you are Pagan..
Other Pagans/Wicca's don't take you seriously because of what you look like
Menstrual blood doesn't show that well on black panties, so you might not notice your period's began before it's too late!
Accidentally kicking things and having parts fly off because you're wearing steel toes boots.
Brushing against walls and having chips fly off because of your spiked bracelet.
Having to avoid potential self-mutilation after just finishing filing one's nails to a point.
When it's cold, your nose will be red no matter how much make-up you have on.
Trying to explain to people that the scars up and down your arms are actually from your cat.
The extensive hair loss caused from bleaching and re-bleaching hair.
Trying to find a soap that will remove the purple hair dye stains from your hands and face.
Flicking trough a magazine or a newspaper with velvet gloves on.
Trying to tell someone that you admire their footwear without making it sound like a come-on