Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
* Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, 'Dream on, Chester!'

* Kid asks for new bike, gets a pack of smokes.

* Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

*By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts.

* Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

* Instead of 'Naughty' or 'Nice', Santa has him on the dork list.

* Sends him off on a Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee.

* First words when kid gets on his lap are, 'Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you.'

* Labels on all your kid's toys read, 'Straight from Craptown.'

* Four words: 'Off my lap, Tubby!'"