The Chosen One Arrives
It almost had to happen this way: Sometime on Saturday night, noted trickster Angelina Jolie finally gave the order to her team of Namibian midwives to administer the bubbling potion that would induce a quick and painless labor and allow the Chosen One, the genetically perfect biological offspring sired by the actress and partner Brad Pitt, to be born while most of the celebrity-obsessed United States population was distracted by the Memorial Day weekend. As almost everyone certainly knows by now, the couple christened their baby girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, a twin tribue to Pitt's beloved childhood Labrador and to Jolie's affection for all things vaguely French. Shortly after donating $300,000 to Namibian hospitals for the establishment of high-security, private celebrity birthing facilities, Pitt and Jolie announced plans to tour Africa with young Shiloh, where they expect thousands to gather in various town squares to gaze upon the baby that first introduced their continent to millions of American Us Weekly and Life & Style subscribers.
And while some pilgrims will gaze upon the infant and become free of their crutches, wheelchairs, and bad credit ratings, many more will be instantly blinded by direct exposure to her brilliance, the searing of their retinas a painful indication to the unpure of heart that they are not quite ready for an audience with the world's most flawless lovechild. "
Digitally Implanted by Mme.BlueWolfess at 12:58 PM