The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
–Calvin Trillin

I’ve decided what the DMV needs is an arts and crafts section. If I’m going to throw away my whole day there, I might as well come out with a new pot holder. And if they had a game of musical chairs set up, I think people would pay extra tax dollars for that.
–Jeremy Beth Michaels

I like those new cell phones with a camera. You can take a picture of the wreck you just caused by talking on your cell phone while you were driving.
–Jay Leno

The relationship between mothers and children never changes and that’s because no matter how rich or powerful you are your mother still remembers when you were three and put noodles up your nose.
–Dennis Miller