Email Signatures

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!!!

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone (1899-1947)

"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Save time... see it my way.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Today's subliminal thought is:

Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.

Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?

Hickory, Dickory, Dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one. The other two escaped with minor injuries.

"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once every few weeks, killing everyone inside.

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

"If the Start Windows Restart when Windows starts check box is checked Windows Restart will start automatically every time Windows is started." - Actual excerpt from a windows program help file!

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

The three most dangerous things are a programmer with a soldering iron, a manager who codes, and a user who gets ideas.

To know recursion, you must first know recursion.

"A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street." - Doug Linder

Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind - boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." - Gene Spafford,1992

A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.

Don't make me use uppercase...

There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.

The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?

In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

Jesus is coming - Look Busy!

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

“The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” - George Carlin

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.

If you find yourself in a fair fight you didn't plan your mission properly!

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Can priests turn other food into God, or only those little cookies?

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...

I don't mind Jesus, it's his fan club I can't stand.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” - Oscar Wilde

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.” - Henry Kissinger

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always!

In a movie, no matter what window you look out in Paris, the Eiffel Tower is always right there.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Luge: The sport of lying down and trying not to die.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

Conventional wisdom says to know your limits. To know your limits you need to find them first. Finding your limits generally involves getting in over your head and hoping you live long enough to benefit from the experience. That's the fun part.

Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying.” - Woody Allen

“I only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.” - Scott Adams

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” - Mark Twain

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Is there another word for synonym?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?

“When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?” - George Carlin

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

While he is not dumber than an ox, he's not appreciably smarter either.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my ass.

It's hard to believe you out-swam a million other sperm.

Let's have a suicide pact. You go first.

He's about as subtle as a chainsaw, but lacking the social grace.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular statement of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

"If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things that are missing. If you don't have love in your life, no matter what else there is, it's not enough." - Ann Landers

If silence be good for the wise, how much better for fools.

Consulting: If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

Cluelessness: There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

Incompetence: When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do.

Dysfunction: The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Burnout: Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.

Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Overconfidence: Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you can survive the odds beating you.

Regret: It hurts to admit when you’ve made mistakes, but when they’re big enough, the pain only lasts a second.

Despair: It’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

Pessimism: Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Lord, save me from your followers.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened." - Cora Harvey Armstrong

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy." - Helen Hayes (at 73)

"Old age ain't no place for sissies." - Bette Davis

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty." - Douglas Adams

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

War never decided who was right, only who was left.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." - General Patton

"I love vegetarians. That's all I eat." - Ted Nugent

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me.

Our FREEDOM rests on 4 boxes: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Cartridge

"An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." - Col. Jeff Cooper

Rule #1: If there are guns in your house, one had better be yours.

Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...

A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five!

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once...

"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno

"Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in my mouth." - God

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

"Oh bother!" said Pooh, as he chambered another round.

"Procrastination is not the problem... it's the solution." - Ellen DeGeneres

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

We don't shoot to kill....we shoot to live!

"You may find me one day dead in a ditch somewhere. But by God, you'll find me in a pile of brass." - Trooper. M. Padgett

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector.

Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.

Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed......Oh wait, he does.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"